Proverbs and the seduction of the fantasy life

“Why be seduced, my son, by someone else’s wife,
and fondle the breast of a woman who belongs to another?”
–Proverbs 5: 20

Before I leave the book of Proverbs, I wanted to take a moment to address this passage, that seems (on the one hand) to be advice for a young husband.  Of course, there is much value in such advice.  How many marriages are broken up by a husband who keeps looking for something more, as if his wife were just some kind of relationship place-holder, a kind of security blanket that can be replaced when a newer or “better” version comes along.

When I first read this passage, I was a little stunned that it was in the Bible.  The boldness of it, the matter of fact sensuality, the image of lust:  fondle the breast of a woman who belongs to another.  It gets right to the point.  I was also struck by what it reveals about men.  I had harbored a theory that perhaps our cultural obsession with women’s anatomy (in advertisements and movies, etc) was nurtured by the pornography industry that became so ubiquitous in the 60’s & 70’s (i.e. Playboy, Penthouse, even Esquire and Cosmopolitan, etc).  These publications with their nude or nearly nude pictures were treated as serious magazines by many people[1].  And so common place and accepted that at our house they were often sitting out on the coffee table[2].

 But clearly, this isn’t totally Hugh Heffner’s fault.  It has probably always been this way.  That is not an excuse, just an acknowledgment of possible fact.

Another thought: There is something Hellish in this vision of desire: of seeking pleasure in something that doesn’t belong to us.  It is a vision of desire that can never be fully satisfied.  It is a vision of hungering for something that we can never have.  It’s right there in the words: why fondle the breast of a woman who belongs to another?  She isn’t yours. She can never be yours. And in the end, it isn’t the fondling that we actually want. It’s the belonging! What we really want is to have someone who is ours. Not because we own them or possess them, but because they give themselves to us.  In the end, we want to belong. We want to be connected.  We want to give ourselves and be accepted, not as property, but as gift.

And (for me that speaks to what is actually wrong with pornography. It isn’t about giving, it’s about taking.  And it isn’t even about taking what is real. It’s about taking something that doesn’t actually exist, it’s a fantasy of filling our hunger with imaginary bread!  It promises a fantasy of connection, without the risk of relationship –without the obligations of belonging. On occasion, I have heard that absence of risk and obligation presented as a positive aspect. But, risk free isn’t reality; to truly fill that void within us that seeks intimacy requires risk.  That is part of what makes it so fulfilling. We risk everything, reveal everything and are still accepted; still belong.  That is the affirmation we are all seeking. That we are loved not for who we want to be or could be, but for who we are.

In essence, pornography is a cheap picture of a cheeseburger and a milk shake offered in place of food to a starving man.  It is a kind of Trojan Horse: a fantasy promise of pleasure and satisfaction that is secretly designed to only stir up more appetite. Think of it this way: it is like handing a man dying of thirst, a cool glass of water that is secretly filled with salt.

In essence, I hear in this message not only a warning against lust, but a warning against coveting. Against stirring up my own appetite for what belongs to another. It is a warning against fondling, even in my imagination, the treasures, the joys, the reputation, of another. And a call to reconsider the gifts, the treasures, the joys that I have been given. To find my calling, my place, my sense of belonging not in some fantasy, but in the actual gifts and opportunities that have been given to me. 

Part of that gift may even include the blessing of something that looks like a cross, and the opportunity to take it up, hold it close, and bear it humbly and with love.  In other words: Why be seduced by someone else’s life… Wake up and live your own.

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[1] Heck, in 1976, President Carter was famously interviewed by Playboy Magazine. 

[2] Recently, while clearing out my Mom’s apartment, I discovered a suitcase full of old family pictures and mementos. At the bottom of the suitcase, beneath all the family memories was an old copy of Cosmo wrapped in a plastic bag. When I took it out, I noticed the headline: First Male Centerfold! (FYI: the center-fold was a picture of Burt Reynolds. And, as awkward as this is to say, it was a very well-worn copy. MOM!!)

Sin begets sin: A meditation on 2 Samuel 11

“Do not take the matter to heart;

the sword devours now one and now

another. Attack the town in greater

force and destroy it.” –2 Samuel 11:25

It is interesting to me, how David’s sin hardens his heart.  The town he speaks of destroying in the verse above is to be destroyed after it has done exactly what David wanted done. The archers of the town have killed Uriah, who David wanted killed; he has even ordered his general to arrange it. And of course, that leads us to ask: why does David want Uriah dead? Because Uriah might discover and reveal David’s sin; that David has slept with and impregnated Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba.

The story of David and Bathsheba and Uriah is an astonishingly complex story. And the whole thing is related in one short yet very profound chapter (2 Samuel 11).  It begins by telling us that it was the time of year when kings should be off leading their armies in battle, but David stayed home resting and strolling around the palace. One day while strolling on the roof he spies a beautiful young woman bathing, and instead of averting his gaze, he sends for her and soon she is pregnant.  To cover up what he has done, David sends for her husband who is off fighting the king’s battle (which is where King David should be).  And to cover up his own sin, he tries to get Uriah to sleep with Bathsheba, but his loyal subject won’t do that. While his fellow soldiers are sleeping on the ground, he refuses to accept the comforts of home and wife until the battle is over.   He is behaving as David should, with purity of action and intent. Commitment. Whereas David is strolling and relaxing and seducing other men’s wives while his army and the Ark of God are out in the open, risking themselves, revealing themselves. Of course, on some level, that is exactly what David does here (though unintentionally).  The more he tries to hide his sin, the more he reveals his sinfulness.

It starts with sloth, David unwilling to do his kingly duty, but grows into lust, then adultery, then the attempted cover-up (false-witness), and finally murder; all because David stayed home when he should have gone to work and grew restless with too much time on his hands and… well, in the end, because he doesn’t want anyone to know that he did wrong.

In the end, he wants Uriah killed because Uriah can reveal his sin; but the desire is only intensified when Uriah acts righteously.  For David this is a kind of prophetic witness against him.   He sees in Uriah an example of the man he should be: selfless and humble, and he cannot bear it. It only hardens his heart.  How many times have I felt the sting of my own hypocrisy intensified by witnessing the simple kindness or selflessness of another?  When we are in sin, we don’t want to see good in the world. It sickens us, in a sense, because it challenges us to rise up and be better. It bears witness against our excuses and justifications. When I am fallen into sin and I see someone else do good, not only does it bother me, but it makes me a little jealous.  And what do we often do when we are jealous of another? We try to tear them down.  And so, David tears down Uriah. He plots his murder, and plots it in such a way that it will seem that he was merely a casualty of war.

And it is in this context that this familiar story suddenly caught my attention anew. When the messenger comes bearing news of Uriah’s death, David at first “flies into a rage” over what sounds to him like a terrible military blunder: “Why did you go near the ramparts?” (11:22)  He is ready to go all Harry Truman on Joab (his personal MacArthur) when the messenger adds that there were some casualties, including “your servant, Uriah the Hittite.” (11:24)

And suddenly David is all soothing words and encouragement. He tells the messenger:

“Say this to Joab: Do not take the matter to heart…

Attack the town in greater force and destroy it.”

David’s words to the messenger sound, on the surface as encouragement to Joab to proceed with the original plan of attack.  But taken in the context of this chapter (this story) we may hear in them a kind of bitterness. Just as David has destroyed Uriah, he now will destroy the inhabitants of this town –who, quite literally, have served him quite well. One might imagine that they deserve at least a little mercy, for having rid David of his guilty conscience. Yet, no. Now he wants them eradicated, too. Sin begets sin, as the old saying goes (cf James 1:12-16), and David’s lust has lead to adultery to false-witness (trying to trick Uriah), to plotting a murder and now to wishing the destruction of a whole town.  Sin begets sin. And it grows and grows.

Often we hear in the news, that --with politicians-- it isn’t usually the crime that gets them, it’s the cover-up.  Well, that seems to be exactly what we are seeing here with David. The original sin is bad, but the cover-up is horrifying.  But why is that?

And that is how I feel about my own sins.  What I do (gossip, lust, selfishness, gluttony, cruelty)  may be terrible, but what I do to keep others from knowing about it is always worse. Because covering up our sin, trying to hide it, requires us to harden our hearts to the truth of it.  Often, it’s in the cover-up that we begin the process of justification and rationalization.  I had to do this, because…  and people won’t understand, so I should hide the truth from them…

In this one brief chapter we get this wonderful fearful story; this powerful and horrifying vision of the power of sin. We read of a good man making bad choices and how private sin that begins in human desire, and personal choice comes to completion in public horrors (murder and destruction). 

So, the next time someone tells you something is only a small sin (a white lie, so to speak), remember this story of David and his seemingly small sin: sloth… he just didn’t want to do his job. It all began with a king feeling a little restless, lazy… slothful.  Even the smallest of sins, can open a door that leads to destruction.  And as this chapter ends we get that final frightful line that tells us the real import of all David’s actions; not that he has done evil or destroyed lives, but that he had damaged his relationship with God:

“What David had done displeased the Lord…”  (11:27b)

David, Israel’s hope, God’s beloved, has turned away from the Lord.  And though that may seem just another matter of personal choice, a matter of personal beliefs, a matter that may have some personal repercussions, but what this little chapter teaches us is that no matter how personal or private our sin seems, it always ends up with very public repercussions, not because people might find out or might hold us accountable, but, because:

Sin begets sin and the fruit of sin is destruction. --James 1:15