What are you most afraid of…? (a meditation for the first week of Advent, 2024)

 

What are you afraid of? What is your biggest fear? I think the somewhat frightening Gospel from the 1st Sunday of Advent was asking us to turn away from our fears and look at something else... To see not with eyes of fear and anxiety, but through the eyes of Love. Here are some thoughts on fear and the first week of Advent. Please let me know what you think, and how God helps you with your own fears.

“There will be signs in the sun, the moon, and the stars,
and on earth nations will be in dismay, perplexed
by the roaring of the sea and the waves. People will die
of fright in anticipation of what is coming upon the world…”
--Luke 20:25-28

It seems to me a strange reading for this time of joyful anticipation, but here at the start of Advent as most of us look forward to Christmas, the church gives us a gospel reading about fear and anxiety and what sounds like the end of the world. That is a very interesting liturgical choice, and one worth pondering. Why? With everyone recovering from Thanksgiving and looking forward to Christmas, why not choose a hopeful reading from the Nativity story?

And yet, as I have spent time with this little conundrum, I have found myself wondering:

What am I afraid of?

And how does that fear eat away at my peace? How am I letting it take my life? Bit by bit, moment by moment, am I too dying from fear?

More than heights, or math teachers, I think my biggest fear is rejection.

Fear of feeling unwanted, unnecessary, perhaps even unlovable. For me, a lot of this is wrapped up in ego. Growing up, I desperately wanted to be attractive; wanted to be one of those boys all the girls called cute or handsome. Like Johnny Quest, or Davy Jones from the Monkees! And yet—that was not what fate or genetics had in store for me. Two formative moments from my younger days haunt me still: first, when I was just a scrawny little 8 year old, I was standing in a dressing room at the Craig’s store, trying on a pair of hip-huggers, and imagining I looked as cool as one of the Archies, I overheard the salesman say to my mother: He's got hips like a girl. And my mother say: Yes. I guess he does. I have never forgotten that little exchange. I wasn’t quite sure what it meant at the time, but every time I see my own shadow I glance at my hips. And the second is the time a college girlfriend told me I looked better with a beard, because I didn’t have much of a chin.

I may not be able to do much about my “hips,” but I’ve kept my beard ever since.

Even after 36 years of marriage the fear of being rejected or unwanted, still haunts me. It’s like I am constantly waiting for someone (my wife even) to say: Who invited you? Whatever we fear, small or large, it always feels like the end of the world. It may just destroy our peace of mind, but even that can feel like a mini-apocalypse.

In some ways this fear has continued to rule my life. Even without thinking about it, I continue to live in it… Afraid to make a mistake, afraid of my own shadow, always hoping to ingratiate myself, to demonstrate my worth… Hoping to be noticed and to be told I'm worthy, maybe even "cute." Yet always afraid, and always certain, what I am is never enough.

When I think about this reading, and my own fears, I begin to realize at the heart of all fear is a lack of trust. I don’t trust gravity, so I am afraid of mountain tops and air travel; I don’t trust numbers, so I am afraid of math teachers; I don’t trust my own worth, so I am afraid of rejection. I don’t trust the love of God… so I am afraid…

But Jesus has an answer to this, to the problem of fear. Actually, Jesus is the answer. The sacrifice of the cross is the true sign of our worth. Of God’s love. Jesus died because—in God’s eyes-- I was worth it. You were worth it. We –all of us—despite our failings, or maybe not despite—maybe because of… we are worth it. We are loved. This isn’t a test. Your suffering, your sorrow, your pain, your fear… It isn’t a test. You may be going through something terrible, hard, even frightening, but the truth is we know how this story ends: In love.

   “…when these signs begin to happen, stand erect and raise your heads
because your redemption is at hand.” (cf. 21: 28)

Our redemption is at hand; just beyond the signs, the earth-shaking, the waves and the political turmoil, the chaos and suffering, just beyond the darkness of Calvary, there is a new day dawning. Stand erect, hold your head up… Look for it. It is there. The Resurrection.

But, of course, in the moment we may still be tempted to hide. We may still doubt our own worth, or whether we are up to the challenges ahead. That is part of our brokenness. And we must bring even that, our fears and our doubts, our weaknesses and our addictions, our ugliness and our emptiness and lay them before the Cross.

It isn’t easy, but then again neither is birth (ask any mother, or look at any newborn baby). But it is the only way… No haircut or make-up or new pair of hip-huggers is going to heal my own self-image. No matter how popular I may or may not be, the doubt and the self-image still haunt me. And so, instead of letting them control my life, I need to stand erect, look up –not down at my own shadow—but at the eye of the one who never looks away, the one who Created me, the one who sees all that He created and says: It is good.

There are bigger fears, I know, but the truth is that whatever fear we have, whatever fate we anxiously await, we are not alone, and whatever happens to us—we were made for this! I was not made to be another Davy Jones, I was made to be me. To live this life, to feel these fears and dream these dreams, even cry these tears, and finally to become the kind of blessing only I can be.

Whatever that looks like in the mirror, in God’s eyes it is always something beautiful to see.

Recognizing who we are

“...the God of Jacob,
who turns the rock into a pool of water

and the flint into a flowing spring…” 
--Psalm 114:8

How often do we feel misunderstood? Or worse, unnoticed.  Unseen.  People look at us and see not a refreshing pool of water or a life-giving stream, but a jagged rock, a flinty piece of stone.  They see not us (at least not who we imagine we are), but someone else… Perhaps it is just who they think we are.

Sometimes this isn’t necessarily unpleasant.  At least a few times I have been standing in the frozen food aisle at HEB and had someone ask me where the eggs are?  Or, wandering through Barnes and Noble, I am occasionally stopped by someone looking for a particular book.  Both cases might be explained by the fact that I was wearing a tie and looked like I could be an employee.  But, explain this one: I was waiting at the light at Gessner and I-10 when someone pulled up next to me and rolled down his window. I thought he was going to ask directions, so I rolled mine down ready to help. But, instead he said, Hey! Are you a preacher? You look like a preacher.  (I wonder what he would have thought if he had seen that I was wearing my red pants!)

People have their ideas, their opinions; I still remember overhearing a salesman tell my mom that I had wide hips like a girl.  I was 8 years old.  That was 1967. I was in the dressing room at the Craig’s store at Memorial City.  All, I wanted were some hip-huggers and a Nehru shirt! But what I remember is that comment.  It has stuck with me. In my imagination I was a lean, athletic build. A cross between Peter Noone and Jimmy Wynn! Was it true? Did I have wide hips?  I don’t know. Do I still? Does it matter? I guess the answer is obvious; to an 8 year old boy it did.

No matter how hard we try to be a fountain, too often the world looks at us and sees only a pile of rocks (in mom-jeans). 

Anyway, perhaps because of my life-long concern over my hips, I try to exercise every day. I get up and go for morning walks.  It is something I’ve written about before-- my morning walks to the park; and over the years a part of my morning routine has become picking up the trash at the park.  I try to make the place look a little better for the people who come after me.  I’m not alone in my efforts. There are a few of us.  We have a kind of community.  No special handshakes or anything, but we know each other’s faces and we thank each other for our efforts. And when the messes get really bad, we offer sympathy and a helping hand.

But during the school week I am often out extra early—before dawn, so I don't see my trash buddies, and when it is that dark I can’t always see the trash --or what’s in it.  One morning I had the awful experience of picking up a pizza box only to have a swarm of ants come streaming out complaining that they hadn’t finished breakfast.   So, on this particular morning I was just walking, praying my rosary and enjoying the stars. The sky was beautiful and clear and the trees were thick dark shadows against it. At that hour the park is pretty empty, but occasionally someone would pass and--not wanting to disturb the quiet-- we would mutter a quiet good morning to each other.  Near the end of my walk as I was coming around the far end of the park to the street side I caught a glimpse of something in the headlights of a passing car.  It was a Burger King bag standing on the curb. I thought about just leaving it. Someone else will get it.  But, instead I walked out the gate. Picking up the bag, of course I found more: a cup and fry envelope close by and burger wrapper a few feet away with some wadded up napkins and a couple of ketchup packets.  Anyway, there I was bent over by the curb carefully trying to pick up a straw and cup lid without letting go of everything else, when I heard a voice call:  Hey. I haven’t seen you for a while. How are you doing?   

Looking up, there was the silhouette of a woman paused on the track.   After a few niceties, she thanked me for picking up the trash and waved and disappeared into the dark. Only after she was gone did I realize it was Sara. The freckle-faced woman in the hijab that I talked about in another of these essays.  I couldn’t see her face, but I knew it was her by two things: first, her speed. She’s a pretty serious runner. And second, and most certainly, as she passed under the dim glow of a street lamp I caught a glimpse of her head covering.

After putting the trash into a can, I headed home feeling slightly giddy. I kept hearing those words in my head: she hadn’t seen me for a while.  She had stood out to me, because I don't see many women dressed like that. Full body jogging suit and a hijab. But me, I'm just a goofy old guy who walks at the park. We're a dime a dozen! No one even sees me...  And yet...

It feels good to be noticed. Makes us feel –what? Seen. As if someone has recognized that we matter. We have value.

But how? Why had she recognized me? We don't really know each other. We just see each other at the park --and not that often.  I was out in the street, a good 15 or 20 yards away from her. And it was dark. And the nearest street lamp was half a block away. And my back was to her; I was bent over the curb picking up trash and… oh.  That!  She recognized me not by my face, not by my clothes, or even my name, but by what I was doing. She knew me by my action. 

And in that moment I felt truly recognized. Like I had been truly seen. And it felt wonderful. Almoast home, I paused at the corner.  My shadow stretching out over the damp grass, across a driveway and into the street ahead, majestic and tall --a reflection of how I felt at that very moment.  I looked up into the sky in wonder at the feathery edges of the tall pine trees against the fading night. And I remembered those beautifull lines from Gerard Manley Hopkins’ poem, “As Kingfishers Catch Fire.”

“Each mortal thing does one thing and the same…

…what I do is me: for that I came.”

And I thought –yes. This is who I am. This is why I came.  I am more than the mistakes I make. The annoying habits I can’t seem to quit.  More than the foolish things I say in public.  I admit that sometimes I may be a rock, a real stumbling block.  But sometimes, gosh darn it! I can also be a pool of cool and refreshing water. And standing there I had the wonderful feeling that this person, this near stranger, had recognized that. Had recognized me.

Of course, there is more to me than what I do at the park.  For instance, in the 5^th grade a girl told me I was a good kisser.  You can probably tell, I am still very proud of that.  And of course, there is more to Sara than her head covering, her speed and her great posture.  But for the moment, I felt seen, truly seen and it felt very good.  Realizing that I still had to get home and shower before work, I started walking again. And noticed again my shadow stretching out before me.  Looking at it now, I realized how comical and elongated it actually looked. And I noticed something else; the shape of it bounding ahead of me shrinking slightly as I came to the next street lamp. Watching it, I realized there was something about the middle… the shape… in fact, the pockets of my walking shorts seemed oddly prominent. I touched them.  In one was my phone; the other had a packet of Kleenex and my rosary; but there was something else about the shape of it --of me... something about the hips…  Oh well… At least I was recognized. That’s what really counts.  Right?