“Why be seduced, my son, by
someone else’s wife,
and fondle the breast of a woman who belongs to another?”
–Proverbs 5: 20
and fondle the breast of a woman who belongs to another?”
–Proverbs 5: 20
Before I leave the book of
Proverbs, I wanted to take a moment to address this passage, that seems (on the
one hand) to be advice for a young husband.
Of course, there is much value in such advice. How many marriages are broken up by a husband
who keeps looking for something more, as if his wife were just some kind of
relationship place-holder, a kind of security blanket that can be replaced when
a newer or “better” version comes along.
When I first read this
passage, I was a little stunned that it was in the Bible. The boldness of it, the matter of fact sensuality,
the image of lust: fondle the breast of a woman who belongs to another. It gets right to the point. I was also struck by what it reveals about
men. I had harbored a theory that
perhaps our cultural obsession with women’s anatomy (in advertisements and
movies, etc) was nurtured by the pornography industry that became so ubiquitous
in the 60’s & 70’s (i.e. Playboy, Penthouse, even Esquire and Cosmopolitan,
etc). These publications with their nude
or nearly nude pictures were treated as serious magazines by many people[1].
And so common place and accepted that at our house they were often sitting out on
the coffee table[2].
But clearly, this isn’t
totally Hugh Heffner’s fault. It has
probably always been this way. That is not
an excuse, just an acknowledgment of possible fact.
Another thought: There is
something Hellish in this vision of desire: of seeking pleasure in something
that doesn’t belong to us. It is a
vision of desire that can never be fully satisfied. It is a vision of hungering for something
that we can never have. It’s right there
in the words: why fondle the breast of a woman who belongs to another? She isn’t yours. She can never be yours. And
in the end, it isn’t the fondling that we actually want. It’s the belonging!
What we really want is to have someone who is ours. Not because we own them or
possess them, but because they give themselves to us. In the end, we want to belong. We want to be
connected. We want to give ourselves and
be accepted, not as property, but as gift.
And (for me that speaks to what
is actually wrong with pornography. It isn’t about giving, it’s about
taking. And it isn’t even about taking
what is real. It’s about taking something that doesn’t actually exist, it’s a fantasy
of filling our hunger with imaginary bread!
It promises a fantasy of connection, without the risk of relationship
–without the obligations of belonging. On occasion, I have heard that absence
of risk and obligation presented as a positive aspect. But, risk free isn’t
reality; to truly fill that void within us that seeks intimacy requires
risk. That is part of what makes it so
fulfilling. We risk everything, reveal everything and are still accepted; still
belong. That is the affirmation we are
all seeking. That we are loved not for who we want to be or could be, but for
who we are.
In essence, pornography is a
cheap picture of a cheeseburger and a milk shake offered in place of food to a
starving man. It is a kind of Trojan
Horse: a fantasy promise of pleasure and satisfaction that is secretly designed
to only stir up more appetite. Think of it this way: it is like handing a man
dying of thirst, a cool glass of water that is secretly filled with salt.
In essence, I hear in this
message not only a warning against lust, but a warning against coveting. Against
stirring up my own appetite for what belongs to another. It is a warning
against fondling, even in my imagination, the treasures, the joys, the
reputation, of another. And a call to reconsider the gifts, the treasures, the
joys that I have been given. To find my calling, my place, my sense of
belonging not in some fantasy, but in the actual gifts and opportunities that
have been given to me.
Part of that gift may even
include the blessing of something that looks like a cross, and the opportunity
to take it up, hold it close, and bear it humbly and with love. In other words: Why be seduced by someone else’s life… Wake up and live your
own.
[1]
Heck,
in 1976, President Carter was famously interviewed by Playboy Magazine.
[2] Recently, while
clearing out my Mom’s apartment, I discovered a suitcase full of old family
pictures and mementos. At the bottom of the suitcase, beneath all the family
memories was an old copy of Cosmo wrapped in a plastic bag. When I took it out,
I noticed the headline: First Male Centerfold! (FYI: the center-fold was
a picture of Burt Reynolds. And, as awkward as this is to say, it was a very
well-worn copy. MOM!!)
